Friday, April 2, 2010
All I need.
After weeks of busy nights, our commitment to date nights is forgotten. Week after week passes without time away, together. In the middle of raising kids. Entrepreneurial endeavors. Stress. Running.
We miss each other.
It comes to a head one night after the kids are put to bed, and my heart feels alone. We haven't meant to, but we've forgotten to fan the flame. To give our best to each other instead of everything else. To encourage the other in this life we've made together.
I cry. I'm confused. Don't know what to say about how I feel. I want him to change. To love me better. To say the right thing. To do more. To hug and to hold and to make me whole.
But that's not his job. He can't possibly understand my emotions when I don't understand them myself. And I know better than this. My needy heart is not his fault, nor is he the solution. His love is a band-aid to an ache that I know only One can fill.
All I need and trust is the deep, deep love of Jesus. (song #4 on Come Weary Saints album)
I sing it. Do I mean it? Do I believe it? Do I live it?
I know it. And I do mean it and believe it. Obviously there are times I forget to live it. I forget to give grace from the abundance given me. I forget the limitless source of love in the Holy Spirit who promises to fill my emptiness so that I, in turn, may pour love on others.
When the Holy Reminder* does His job, which He never fails to do, He teaches me in my emptiness, and reminds me who I am and Who I need most: my One True Love. The One who gave himself for me and chose me before the creation of the world. The One who longs for me to choose Him above any other. The One who loves me most and loves me best.
But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.
(And the Holy Reminder reminds me, too, of what a great guy I have. He does the dishes, cleans the kitchen better than I ever hope to, cooks, puts our children to bed every single night, works hard, provides, loves people and arranges my social life. Yeah, he's got his flaws, but, um, so do I. *grin*)
With this perspective comes peace, reconciliation, understanding and grace. My unrealistic expectations that pressure and demand are put in their place. And what is left is love. Unconditional.
And I am satisfied.
And so in love. :)
Thank you Lord, for saving my soul,
Thank you Lord, for making me whole,
Thank you Lord, for giving to me,
Thy great salvation, so rich, and free.