Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What's in your locket?

Megan stood in front of the mirror, Sunday best on, rare clip in hair, lip gloss shining. I finger combed her mussed-up-by-sleeping but freshly-washed-last-night curls and she held the ends of a necklace up for me to clasp.

"I need to put a picture in this locket. A locket isn't a locket without something in it."

Oh, my heart, child.

Yes, truer words were never spoken.

For what is a heart without anything in it?
What comes of an empty heart?
or one filled with all the wrong things?

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 
Luke 12:34

Do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 
Luke 12:29

He purified their hearts by faith. 
Acts 15:9

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love 
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 
Romans 5:5

He set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, 
guaranteeing what is to come. 
2 Corinthian 1:22

What's in your heart, 
your locket?

Friday, September 16, 2011

Let's get this show on the road already!

A sister calls from Mexico and we chat about guest lists and food and party games. Our youngest sister is getting married in 36 days. We have a shower to plan.

Time marches on with things to do and celebrations and friends, new things and old things, fresh starts and old routines.

And yet I feel the same as I'm sure my engaged sister feels; on a sort of anxious hold, excited to get started already and find out what my new life will look like.

After a rather difficult year, our family prayed, considered priorities, weighed options, researched and one thing led to another (with enough light for each step ahead ) and here we are starting an in-home daycare.

This is not something I dreamed about or ever even really considered until recently, but here we are. God's plans are not ours, but we can take ownership when he makes the way clear. Robb moved his realty office home, and amidst some small amount of friendly scorn and doubtful looks, we have plunged ahead in the process.

My kitchen has never been cleaner!

We consider this a family endeavor.

The kitchen cleaning is Robb's chosen responsibility, however.

We've never spend this much time together as a family, but we are adjusting!

Robb comes to this new venture with years of watching his mom run a successful daycare, and he's excited to come to a whole new understanding of what homeschooling looks like on a day to day basis. My homeschooling experience will now be applied to preschoolers as we create a fun curriculum of crafts, lessons, music and more.

Our license is about to come in the mail, homeschooling routines and detailed schedules are ready, lockers stand in the entry awaiting little coats and boots, and new toys are organized as we await the additions to our home and hearts.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Silence is not always golden.

There is a time when there is so much to say, nothing comes out.
The page remains blank, and no matter how many times you check that blog the same picture remains at the top.

Nothing new,
yet there is.
there isn't.

Like the times you lay in bed next to each other, and you know if you start the flow of words, it will just take too long to sort it through, so you roll over and go to sleep instead.

I've been rolling over and turning my back to you.

It's been easier.

But it hasn't.

I've been busy, achieving boundaries on my time, choosing what is needed and hopefully profitable.
Yet I've neglected this one thing that could benefit us both.
Silence is not always golden.

I read this today. Maybe only other bloggers can understand this struggle. The rest just think we are crazy to put our hearts out in black and white anyway. Maybe we are. And yet relationship is born of honesty and communication and people who don't tell the truth about who they are are never really known by each other.

Loneliness is born of pretending, hiding.

To be honest, I've quit this venue and as a result, lost track of His voice. I've plugged my ears, stilled my tapping fingers, and closed up my heart so you can't see what is there, so I don't have to process and make sense of what I am:

An ungrateful mess.

How many times must I read the book, jot out gifts, lead the book club?
How many ways do I need to frame it up in my home, reminding myself, that this is all gift, grace?

I am broken.

But when I come here, I can only be honest.
Could it be that this place is where I best face what and who I am?
If I lose track of the stories, I’ll lose track of part of me. Lose track of His voice in this life. Telling our stories, keeping traces of His graces, even in a venue such as this, may indeed be important, sacred work, because in these stories, God meets us. We listen to our life and hear God. ~Ann Voskamp
I cannot roll over and turn my back anymore.

Thank you for still being here, for not giving up on this mess, even when she has nothing she is willing to say. Thanks for listening as I listen, that together, we might hear God.