Good, pleasing and perfect

A new profile pops up on my FB feed with his picture and a new name. I’m a hopeless FB sleuth so I follow it and find things that make me wonder and ponder. Maybe it’s not wise but I’m a curious mind about many things and many people and it’s not unusual for me to try to figure out what makes a person tick even if it’s a stranger. 

He’s becoming a stranger. 

It bewilders and baffles me. But it no longer hurts me. I don’t take it personal. My life is now my own. 

I see the scales of his life before on one side and the life after this decision with all the new realities on the other. I see the weight of the internal battle before, that once removed, favors the side of the scale where the after and all the new challenges lie. 

It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. 

I want to do this whole thing well, but I’m saying this right here, admitting I’m not perfect. I will probably ask my therapist to yell at me for digging into a life that is no longer my responsibility, and I’ll fess up to obsessing for a bit. But that’s not until Wednesday so I text a friend or two or three so I can remember my boundaries and do my own work. That’s all there is left to do. I have no business in his work anymore. 

He’s moving on but I know I have much work to do before I’m ready for that. Maybe I’ll make a list of what I want and who I am to get started. 

My Divorce Care leader quoted Romans 12:2 last week and I saw it in a new light. I have always known God’s will is good, pleasing and perfect, but I had never thought to use that verse as a gauge to discern his will. I had put heavy emphasis on the first part of the verse about not conforming to the world and having a transformed mind, but glazed over that last bit. It was right there in the verse the whole time. 

That is what I want for my future, whenever it’s time to move on. 

I want good.

I want pleasing.

I want God's perfect will. 

I’m going to do the work so I’m ready for it. 

Smoke lingers

Driving through the country past fields and farms it was the kind of still and early fall night where the sun shines dim and weak and the smoke from so many fall cleanup fires hangs heavy near the ground and lingers in the woods.

The leaves have all fallen now, and I didn’t have to rake a one. I’m grateful to have a lawn service to do that for me, though it was always a chore I enjoyed. The crisp fall air invigorates and prepares my lungs for winter. The work outside provided the 

contrasting freezing hot when fingers freeze but the body sweats from labor. 

Life is full of contrasts. I’m grateful and grieving. This week was hard. Communication was down because of travel - Robb moved to Ohio. I have worked to actively let go, but this week proved I have a desire to be kept updated on at least big events in his life. To be honest I don’t know what is the appropriate boundary. I had expectations that weren’t met that felt punishing. I don’t know the right and wrong of it, I just know the hurt that the change brings. 

I busy myself with preparations and projects and the two of us at home work to create new routines and new traditions. We have fits and starts and it’s hard and good. Sometimes the tears come and my daughter reminds me of truths I already know because she learned well from me. 

Things are backwards and upside down and the smoke lingers. The sun shines dim but I busy myself preparing for winter. 

I take the seasons as they come, for what they are, thankful for the change and that no season lasts forever.