Smoke lingers

Driving through the country past fields and farms it was the kind of still and early fall night where the sun shines dim and weak and the smoke from so many fall cleanup fires hangs heavy near the ground and lingers in the woods.

The leaves have all fallen now, and I didn’t have to rake a one. I’m grateful to have a lawn service to do that for me, though it was always a chore I enjoyed. The crisp fall air invigorates and prepares my lungs for winter. The work outside provided the 

contrasting freezing hot when fingers freeze but the body sweats from labor. 

Life is full of contrasts. I’m grateful and grieving. This week was hard. Communication was down because of travel - Robb moved to Ohio. I have worked to actively let go, but this week proved I have a desire to be kept updated on at least big events in his life. To be honest I don’t know what is the appropriate boundary. I had expectations that weren’t met that felt punishing. I don’t know the right and wrong of it, I just know the hurt that the change brings. 

I busy myself with preparations and projects and the two of us at home work to create new routines and new traditions. We have fits and starts and it’s hard and good. Sometimes the tears come and my daughter reminds me of truths I already know because she learned well from me. 

Things are backwards and upside down and the smoke lingers. The sun shines dim but I busy myself preparing for winter. 

I take the seasons as they come, for what they are, thankful for the change and that no season lasts forever.