Beyond Imagining: Blessed Assurance {Pt 5}

This is the story of our year where I chronicle our journey through unemployment, a few of our detours along the way,  and the faithfulness of a good God that is beyond imagining. 

If you are just now finding this series, please jump back and read:

Beyond Imagining: When God is Late(r) {Pt 1}

Beyond Imagining: Quitting Church {Pt 2}

Beyond Imagining: Remember the Deer {Pt 3} 
Beyond Imagining: Dangerous Hope {Pt 4}

 ~*~

the door of my sister's house in Mexico

We were relieved that there was an increased chance Robb would get the job, but we realized that it was still just about a 25% probability. Few people bet their life on those kinds of numbers, and we aren't some of those few. The path continued, but we didn't know exactly where we were going.

The past year, I had often thought of Job, who lost everything, who moaned and groaned in sackcloth and ashes. It seems he lost joy, even cursed the day he was born, but he would not deny or curse the name of God.  He was considered righteous and proved God's boast in him by just one thing. Faithful perseverance.

We kept walking the path, some days joyful and hopeful, and some just one foot in front of the other. I began to realize even that minimal effort of faith was enough to prove God's boast in me, in us. He sees my deeds, knows my weakness, and yet he is still an opener of doors. And what he opens, no one can shut.
 
Ten more days after the most recent Human Resources contact, I was encouraged again by the Word when my friend texted me saying, "I meant to share this{verse} with you before, but it came back {to me} today, so I know it's important."

So I pray that God who give you hope will keep you happy and FULL of peace as you believe him. May you overflow with HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 {Caps hers}

The significance of that particular verse hit me immediately.

I answered her, quickly tapping out the letters on my phone,

"That was the verse on my Christmas card last year! I sure hope that means we've come full circle with that verse as bookends to a year that required lots of hope!"

I could hardly believe it when my mom sent me the same verse in an email the following week!

Few times in my life have I felt strongly that God was speaking something specific or possibly prophetic to my heart, and this is one of them.  The problem of hope was confronting us, yet in my darkest hour, when hope seemed foolish, He twice sent me the verse I had chosen for the year.

He saw my weakness and floundering faith, and his voice spoke to my heart.

Probabilities mean nothing when the Holy Spirit is at work! 
See what I am doing?  
This is your open door!
Hope in ME! 

I've got this!

~*~

Thanks for joining me as I tell our story! To those who have given encouraging feedback, thank you! Your words spur me on (Hebrews 10:24). Next week: Beyond Imagining: The Perfect Gift {Pt 6}

Beyond Imagining: Dangerous Hope {Pt 4}

This is the story of our year where I chronicle our journey through unemployment, a few of our detours along the way,  and the faithfulness of a good God that is beyond imagining. 

If you are just now finding this series, please jump back and read:

Beyond Imagining: When God is Late(r) {Pt 1}

Beyond Imagining: Quitting Church {Pt 2}

Beyond Imagining: Remember the Deer {Pt 3} 

 ~*~

The holidays came and we were still waiting.

I remember hearing the song "While I'm Waiting" what seemed like years ago and adopting it as my theme, having no idea how loooong my season of waiting would last. By now, when the song came on the radio,  I was numb to it. Yeah, yeah, wait and worship. Whatever.

I was ready to be done.


We hoped that our loose ends would be tied up in a nice pretty Christmas bow. God gives good gifts, after all, and wouldn't Christmas be the perfect time for such a gift? But it seemed that would not be happening.

Robb had written about hope the previous December:

Hope has a dangerous element, it encourages a desire to strive for the difficult paths and reach for unrealized dreams. That is why it hurts so much when what is hoped for fades or seems out of reach. Don't be afraid to hope my friends, it's worth it.

One year had passed since that comment and we were still trying to hold on to hope, but as the hiring process progressed, the waiting became increasingly difficult. Our growing desire for this job to be our answer correlated to our growing fear that it would not be. We felt the dangerous element of hope. The job seemed too good to be true, out of reach.

We felt keenly the battle for hope and peace in our hearts. I began rallying the troops to pray.

A month had already passed since we had heard of the job opening, and I remember asking the Lord if this was something in which we should be investing so much energy and emotion and hope. I asked Him to give me a word of encouragement and then, hoping God would have something specific to say to me, opened my Bible to the Psalm of the day.

It was December 20th, so I read Psalm 20:

¹ May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
   may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
² May he send you help from the sanctuary
   and grant you support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your sacrifices
   and accept your burnt offerings.^[b]
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
   and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy over your victory
   and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

   May the LORD grant all your requests.

 ⁶ Now this I know:
   The LORD gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
   with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
   but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
   but we rise up and stand firm.
⁹ LORD, give victory to the king!
   Answer us when we call! 

I was stunned to tears.


"May the Lord answer you.....May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed!"

I took these words to heart and they brought me hope me many times over the next days, as we were notified that the pool of applicants was pared down to a few choice candidates.

Robb was still in the running.

We were so relieved, we both cried.

~*~

Next: Beyond Imagining: Blessed Assurance {5}

Beyond Imagining: Remember the Deer {Pt 3}

If you are just now finding this series, please jump back and read, Beyond Imagining: When God is Late(r){Pt1} and Beyond Imagining: Quitting Church{Pt 2}

This is the story of our year where I chronicle our journey through unemployment and the faithfulness of a good God that is beyond imagining. 

~*~

We were still waiting. Waiting for direction. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting for a job. We tried to settle into a routine while waiting.

Robb busied himself running and staying fit. He joked, "I can't run away, but I can run!" He ran up to 12 miles a day. The winter was mild, and he cherished the beauty of the long trails and the time of solitude with God.

I continued homeschooling, and began designing new products for my Etsy shop, (So)Sartina. Sewing filled my time and gave me a sense of purpose, and as Christmas approached, my shop was steadily busy.

Our year had other highlights, too. I think God knew we needed bits of reprieve from the discouragement we felt. A vacation to Mexico (a gift), my youngest sister's wedding, family camp and camping, gatherings with friends, the birth of a nephew: all were sources of joy in a life that felt put on pause.

We had an overabundance of family time. We drove each other a bit crazy too. :) But God was with us, reminding us of His themes in our lives.

One of those themes was illustrated by an experience Robb had on his first hunting trip last fall. Now, months later, we kept hearing, "Remember the deer. Remember the deer," as if on repeat in our minds and hearts. When we went down to En Gedi for quiet and Bible study,  there was the physical evidence staring at us, driving the point home yet again, "Remember the deer."

Many Old Testament stories foreshadow New Testament events, and we felt God was perhaps doing something similar in our own lives. We knew what "Remember the deer" meant in the context of Robb's heart and the lesson he learned that day hunting; God delights in giving us good gifts if we will listen and trust and obey. That his gifts provide inner healing and build our faith was illustrated quite clearly.

But what did "Remember the deer" mean as we looked ahead? How did a past gift apply to our current situation? We listened and watched and tried to be content knowing God was up to something.


In the middle of November, a friend sent Robb a job listing, saying simply, "This is for you." The job description seemed too good to be true. It fit Robb's personality and experience to a T. The commute was a pleasant distance and we were more than familiar with the institution; we met and married there. It was our alma mater.


Robb quickly sent in his resume. And so began more waiting.

We had never considered working there before, but the more we thought about it, our anticipation grew. Not only was the job perfect for Robb, it seemed the previous few years had prepared him for this position specifically. It made "Remember the deer" make sense in that the job would not only meet our monetary need, but also the longing for his specific gifts to be valued. In addition, Crown College is a community of believers, and he was excited at the possibility of working in that type of environment again.


We had it all worked out in our heads, but we couldn't know for sure; was this God's answer to our waiting? As Robb ran long beautiful wooded paths and pondered the life path we were pursuing, the number of applicants he was up against, and the likelihood of getting the position, we wondered, was this God's  path for us?

~*~

Next Week: Beyond Imagining: Dangerous Hope {Pt4}

Beyond Imagining: Quitting Church (Pt 2)

If you are just now finding this series, please jump back and read Part 1, Beyond Imagining: When God is Late(r).

This is the story of our year where I chronicle our journey through unemployment, a few of our detours along the way,  and the faithfulness of a good God that is beyond imagining.

It was about this time Robb quit attending church. His timing couldn't have been worse. I had just completed my service on the pastoral search committee and our new pastor soon moved a couple country blocks from our house. Robb helped move them in but was curiously missing on Sundays.

Emotionally, this was a bigger blow to me than our financial situation. I felt kicked in the kidney when I was already down for the count. What next? Irrational fears plagued me, and there was more conflict in our marriage over this issue than I can recall for years.

I felt conspicuous, sitting alone in church. The only time I had ever experienced this before was when Robb was engrossed in church service, running the whole show. I feared what conclusions were being jumped to by those sitting behind and around me. This wasn't who I ever wanted to be, the lone parent taking her kids to church. The first Sunday going alone, I sobbed on an elder's shoulder.

The truth was, Robb's heart could not feel or hear God at church. He loved the people, and did not avoid the community as a whole, but stayed home on Sundays to study on his own. He read church history, researching the early church and asking questions. How did the early church function? What is a believer's purpose within it? How do I apply that to the modern church, and what does that ideally look like? Does the corporate church even value what I have to offer?

He pondered his previous service within the church and his subsequent break from any type of church leadership. Our church had just experienced a tumultuous year, and as one of  those who laid the foundation of the organization, he wondered if he was in some way responsible. It was a productive time for him, even as I reluctantly traipsed the rest of the family to church alone. I felt a spiritual division between us, and though I knew my husband was seeking God and hearing Him, I still felt uneasy.
 
We tried attending a different church together. We stayed home a few weeks to watch online sermons as a family.  We argued points on the definitions of organic church and corporate church. We thought about the benefits of regularly attending church, as opposed to the pain we have seen church politics and its people cause. We discussed the correlation between service and how connected and valued one feels to the community. Around in circles we talked, never getting anywhere.

It didn't take long and the stress of our financial situation and the emotional anxiety I felt about our church conflict began to take its toll on me physically. I had plenty of reasons to be struggling with anxiety, but I soon discovered another cause. My  hypothyroidism was being over-corrected, adding to or causing my symptoms, we are still not sure. I was jittery, tense, often dizzy, emotional.

I cried out (sobbing) to the Lord many times, Lord. It's too much. I can't take any more. I know there are people facing much worse, but I am weak. I don't like this situation. My body doesn't like this stress. I'm tired. Haven't I been through enough?

I pleaded with God to DO something. Fix it.

Finally, I broke down one evening in front of Robb and our girls.

Robb returned to Living Rock the following Sunday, at first for the emotional benefit of me and our kids. Even as he continued to sort out his feelings about church, his presence with me on Sundays was comforting.

We were still waiting for leads on the job front, and were facing many unknowns, but I began to feel more was right with my world.

No matter our philosophizing about an ideal community of believers, Living Rock is OUR family, one we helped create, and invested deeply for years. We realize there are many amazing churches not a great distance away, but there is something so practical about attending a local church; community happens best when its participants are not spread far and wide geographically. In addition, meeting weekly, at a set time, in a set place, adds valuable stability and structure to a body of believers.

There are many books on this topic from varying viewpoints. We have read some of them.
But to be honest, we never came to a complete resolution. We didn't find perfect answers to our questions.

We do know this: the people of Living Rock Church make it our home.

~*~

Next week - Beyond Imagining: Remember the Deer (Pt 3)

Beyond Imagining: When God is Late(r) (Pt 1)

We still pinch ourselves.

Most of you know our good news by now, but I need to save these thoughts, express some things here in this place gone recently silent.  I easily forget, like the Israelites and all peoples before and after; my soul, my faith have amnesia. I feel a responsibility to document the faithfulness of God toward us.

I finally have something to say.

Once I started telling our story, the events and emotions of the year poured out of my heart. My original post became so long, I have decided to split it into half a dozen chapters.

Just as I side note, I would like you to know Robb has read and approved my documentation of events, and has even pointed his friends in the direction of this site, as he says I express it best. This is our story, and he has been involved in forming it for you.

What is our good news?

Our waiting is over.

For what were we waiting? A job. Purpose. Direction. An end to the standstill we felt. Hope fulfilled.

~*~

Last year, my Christmas card included this verse:

 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

Circumstances the previous few months had required hope, for the present and the future. Our family's struggle to find work that would provide for our needs, when combined with those of close friends facing their own worst fears, threatened to steal all hope, peace and joy.  I knew that the year ahead would require power other than my own.

Over the next months, I frequently came back to this verse, asking against all odds and emotions that were conspiring against my faith, for the Lord to give me joy and peace as I chose to trust Him, for myself and those hurting that surrounded me.

I cannot claim that I always "overflowed" with hope. Yet hope lingered, at times as small as the proverbial mustard seed. Still, I did not give up all hope. That seemed acceptable, given our circumstances, as even a mustard seed faith is sufficient to move mountains.

We lurched along, month by month, pursuing opportunities as they came. Odd and under-productive jobs, and other provisions challenged our self-sufficient pride. We were self-made entrepreneurs, fallen to dependence on others.

We were miserable.

We were waiting to see how God would make sense of it all.

In April I wrote When God Seems Late.

The next month we applied for "unemployment." Thus began our education on government programs. Honestly, it was a valuable experience, and the paperwork a full-time job. I joked that we were finally benefiting from the taxes we had paid over the years as business owners. When we visited the doctor, we no longer had to pay full price like we had for years prior as the uninsured-by-choice.Our dentist visits were free. Great, right?

In reality, it sucked.

Robb sold a couple houses with his realtor license, and that was encouraging, but it wasn't enough.  He applied at multiple staffing agencies and got positive feedback, but over the next few months heard nothing. We jumped through all the hoops to start an in-home daycare, and again, nothing.

Autumn came. Time and available money was about to run out. 

Where was God? It seemed He was not only late.

He had stood us up.

~*~

Next week: Beyond Imagining: Quitting Church (Pt 2)

What's in your locket?

Megan stood in front of the mirror, Sunday best on, rare clip in hair, lip gloss shining. I finger combed her mussed-up-by-sleeping but freshly-washed-last-night curls and she held the ends of a necklace up for me to clasp.

"I need to put a picture in this locket. A locket isn't a locket without something in it."

Oh, my heart, child.

Yes, truer words were never spoken.

For what is a heart without anything in it?
What comes of an empty heart?
or one filled with all the wrong things?

photo credit

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

Luke 12:34

Do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 

Luke 12:29

He purified their hearts by faith. 

Acts 15:9

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love 

into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

Romans 5:5

He set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, 

guaranteeing what is to come. 

2 Corinthian 1:22

What's in your heart, 

your locket?

Silence is not always golden.

There is a time when there is so much to say, nothing comes out.
The page remains blank, and no matter how many times you check that blog the same picture remains at the top.

Nothing new,
yet there is.
And,
there isn't.


Like the times you lay in bed next to each other, and you know if you start the flow of words, it will just take too long to sort it through, so you roll over and go to sleep instead.


I've been rolling over and turning my back to you.

It's been easier.

But it hasn't.

I've been busy, achieving boundaries on my time, choosing what is needed and hopefully profitable.
Yet I've neglected this one thing that could benefit us both.
 
Silence is not always golden.

I read this today. Maybe only other bloggers can understand this struggle. The rest just think we are crazy to put our hearts out in black and white anyway. Maybe we are. And yet relationship is born of honesty and communication and people who don't tell the truth about who they are are never really known by each other.

Loneliness is born of pretending, hiding.

To be honest, I've quit this venue and as a result, lost track of His voice. I've plugged my ears, stilled my tapping fingers, and closed up my heart so you can't see what is there, so I don't have to process and make sense of what I am:

An ungrateful mess.

How many times must I read the book, jot out gifts, lead the book club?
How many ways do I need to frame it up in my home, reminding myself, that this is all gift, grace?

I am broken.

But when I come here, I can only be honest.
Could it be that this place is where I best face what and who I am?

If I lose track of the stories, I’ll lose track of part of me. Lose track of His voice in this life. Telling our stories, keeping traces of His graces, even in a venue such as this, may indeed be important, sacred work, because in these stories, God meets us. We listen to our life and hear God. ~Ann Voskamp

I cannot roll over and turn my back anymore.

Thank you for still being here, for not giving up on this mess, even when she has nothing she is willing to say. Thanks for listening as I listen, that together, we might hear God.

Stones, an Altar, an Anniversary

"We've been through a lot together."

My husband lay on his back, the day and sermon running through his head as he waited for slumber to claim him.

Yes. We have.

The sermon had been on Joshua 22.  The eastern tribes returned home, across the boundary of the Jordan that separated them from the Israelites. They built an altar, fearing that the decedents of Israel would one day say,

"What do you have to do with the Lord? The Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you! You have no share in the Lord!"


We've been through a lot and some days we fear the same words. We have our own Jordan and we've crossed the boundary between then and now. A marker exists.

Except for Grace, what have we to do with the Lord?

The eastern tribes said, "That is why we said, 'Let us get ready and build an altar...it is to be a witness between us and you and the generations that follow, that we will worship the Lord. Then in the future your descendants will not be able to say to ours, You have no share in the Lord."

Not many build altars now. We remember in different ways. We pile no stones. And yet.

I catch Robb's eye and hold out my left hand, fingering my wedding ring and the glinting circle I received for our tenth anniversary after our Jordan.

I smile gratefulness at his face. "These are my stones."

My altar has the same name: A Witness Between Us that the Lord is God.

These rings are a witness between us in our marriage that when we believe God, not just believe in Him, but believe that He is who He says He is, He is enough, He is big enough, and He can do what he says He can do, nothing is impossible.

Happy Anniversary, Love. 

I love you,

more deeply because of sorrow.

I cherish you,

because you faithfully nurture.

I trust you,

for you trust your heart to me.

I respect you,

for you humbly offer grace.

I want to remember it all

and count it all as joy, 

for He is our God. 

And He has been good 

to give me 

you.

Dandelions While We Wait

The sun came out from hiding yesterday, and so did I.

Rows of dead, crisp things lingered in my garden from the early arrival of winter so many months ago, still stubbornly clinging to the soil. I slipped into sandals, stripped off my top layers down to cami, entered my patch of scratched dirt and let the sun kiss my shoulders.

Then, for Mother's Day, I asked Robb to help till my garden.

Some manure may also be in my future.

It strikes me ironic that even poop can be re-purposed. What one could not gain any nutrients from, another can use.

Lord, work the hard places in my heart, 

the settled-down-in-my-own-ways places. 

Use the excrement of my life,

the thing I thought I couldn't use, 

didn't understand. 

Furrow it in, 

till it deep. 

Make me fertile ground 

for your Word to take root, 

grow fruit.

Soon we'll work the hard settled ground, dreaming of days long and baskets full.

But for now, while we wait, we'll rummage around for an appropriate sized vase and notice the beauty of first dandelions on the kitchen table.

Today, I'm sharing When God Seems Late for Elizabeth Ester's Saturday Evening Blog Post. Thank you for your comments, encouragement. God is faithful. And you are faithful friends.

When God Seems Late

I'll admit it.

For the first time in my life, I'm mad at God.

It is unusual to me, strange even, that I would be mad at him now. I've faced worse things in the not so distant past, so why now? Why would the current set of circumstances make me angry at the one I claim to trust?

Why not back then, when what I thought we were crumbled and I had to redefine my life by grace. Why not all the other years I've lived with an uncertain future? Why not when Robb resigned and I was embarrassed, feared church gossip, and was confused about what God was doing in our lives. Why not those times?

Why now?

I'm tired of change and stress. Unknowns. Waiting.

Tired...

....and whiny.

I think I do know the why of now. In the past when we made decisions, I voiced my opinion, and then let my husband decide. I left all the responsibility on his handsome broad shoulders. Then when things went south, or at least happened in a way that made me unhappy, I could blame him.

Lovely, huh? Convenient, certainly. Pleasant? Not so much. I disgust myself.

This time around, in the roller coaster of our work/finances we sought after God's leading more than we ever have in the past. We were eye's open wide to closing doors and an open one. We walked through, full of faith and dependence and trust.

And you know what? I wrongly assumed that just because we made a decision to walk this path, to follow this road of His will, somehow He would magically provide and we'd have a Disney ending.

But it just hasn't been that clean cut, that easy.

I've said that God is never late, but rarely early.

 Photo credit: Astronomical Clock (Souvenir) (Anthony Dodd) / CC BY-NC 3.0

It feels like he's late.

You know, there's danger in claiming God's leading. Because when things don't pan out the way we thought  and it doesn't look all nice and tidy, we need to be prepared for God to take the blame, or else we need to admit we were wrong. Neither option is easy, especially when we're just as committed to God's reputation as our own.

I'm just being gut honest here. This is hard. Of course I still trust him. He says he'll provide everything we need. It's just that what I think I need and what he thinks I need may look very different.

Somewhere in the Word,* it says that God is not slow in keeping his promises, as some think. He is patient. He has something in mind. He's not on my timetable.

Lyrics to a song come to mind.
"There's a time to be angry and a time to let it go...He is with you." ~Mandisa's With You

With me. I've been waiting for God to show up big.

But he's already here.

So he's not late after all.

Photo Credit: Astronomical Clock (Anthony Dodd) / CC BY-NC 3.0

Time makes no difference to him because he is the God to whom a thousand years is like a day, who calls what isn't into existence, who knows the beginning from the end, who redeems years. And yet His timing is perfect, precise.

It's time to let it go. It being my plan, my expectations, my right to feel sorry for myself, my silly anger at a God whose plans are always better than mine.  I'd better quit whining, learn to be patient like He is patient, get with His program.

He is with me. And He is all I really need.

*2 Peter 3:9

Two Telephone Pole Kind of Day

It was a cloudy, foggy Thursday, the kind in which I measure visibility by telephone poles. While driving to appointments, I could only see two at a time.  The air was damp, and though the temperature was the warmest it's been since the middle of November, the moisture could be felt deep to the bone.

I had woken up with my own fog. It seemed the world and I both had a head-cold.

We soldiered on, through damp and mess and gunk of melting winter, my head full of gunk too. We drove slow on the sloppy thawing driveway that's been hidden since November 13.

And I think about fog.

Sometimes the path of life is shrouded by fogs in which we must slow and learn to listen.

God made his presence visible in the form of a cloud for a time, and I wonder about that. About days and seasons when our path is not certain, yet His presence envelopes and all there is to see is Him. Faith is being certain of what we do not see, certain that He has a plan. Those are the two telephone pole kinds of days.

In fog, we find our way because we know the road, the landmarks well.

In life we can do the same.

The fog is there, obscuring distractions, however good and beautiful they are, letting us only see what is immediately in front, His presence a canopy. He wants us to see only Him in the cloud.

He says, "I am the way."

In him all our landmarks are found and known, and when we know Him, acknowledge Him, he guides our path. Sometimes only one or two telephone poles at a time.

On our way home, the Dayquil finally kicked in and my head cleared. The sun came out and the fields seemed to steam as the fog burned away.

I took in the sight, I saw where I'd been, and His light revealed a beautiful journey.

You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence. Psalm 16:11

Linking with Bigger Picture Blogs today. It's been a while... Hi ladies! *waves*

Burden and Birth

My emotions have been matching the seasons.

After struggling through the blinding blizzard of fear, thinking I had faith, but my actions speaking to my soul state, walking in circles, like Mary on her Advent journey, bearing a burden.

Hers was a joyous burden, though, so different than mine, taking on the pressure of providing for my family, too many things on my shoulders, when no one expected it of me but myself, the stress weighing down on me physically, and dizzy with it all swirling around, finally the sun has come out. (I know that's a pretty long run-on sentence. But that's how I was living. Running on. And.On.)

I must give my husband the credit. And my God. Together they spoke my own words back to me.

Choose joy today, Kristina. Choose it moment by moment. Day by day. Whatever you do, choose joy.

My husband has been good to me. Sitting with me in the quiet of our En-Gedi, modeling peace under the burden of providing, reminding me that God is the only one who really provides.

He has spoken promises in our hearts if we only listen and practice trust. Faith is being sure of what we hope for.

He leads and releases me of obligation, says, "Trust me." Both my man and my God speak truth. Gently, ever so tenderly, together they whisper, "Joy. Choose it."

Even in the midst of insecurity. In the middle of strife. When bearing the burden of the mundane. Choose.

Because of  Christ, and by the power and hope of the Holy Spirit, the burden is birthed to joy. And the whole world sings,

"Joy to the World, the Lord has come."

How has He brought joy to you?

May the God of hope 

fill you with all joy and peace 

as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

~Romans 15:13

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Barn Renovation - A Name (Part 4)

Miss the first part of the Barn Remodel saga? Catch up here: Part One. Part Two. Part Three.

 ~~~

Maybe we are stubborn optimists. But really, if we are filled with faith, how can we not be? God promises to work ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We do and we are and we live in trust that He guides our steps when our hearts are fully His. So though it seems crazy to be building up and finishing a project when in transition, sometimes you just have to finish what you start.  And the in-between times are the best opportunity to prepare for the next thing.

I’ve learned not to live in fear of what people think. It’s not as if we could have known the future. When we first decided to take on this project, we made the best decisions we could with the information we had. We just walk step by step. His light for our path only reaches a few steps in front and we don’t have an inkling what wonderful sort of plan He’s dreaming up for us.

We wait with expectation. We have our ideas of how God works or how He MAY work.  A big barn with an attached finished space holds a million possibilities.

For now, it is a space of quiet and counsel and relationship building, a haven to share hope and encouragement. And if that’s all it ever is that’s OK with us. Our heart is for people and healing and guiding others to walk in His steps because walking with Christ is the greatest adventure!

So we have a space in a barn that's finished, and we wait. We walk down the road to our room beside the barn and we quiet ourselves and our hearts and our lives.

A place like this needs a name.

It's been called a man cave, the men den, the barn room, the shack. But it is really none of those things.

And what do we WANT it to be?

It's not to be a place to escape reality, and it's not for men only.

It is a place of quiet. Away from dishes and mess, noise and demands. A place to think. Or to read. Or to talk.

We like to talk. To each other and to our friends. About life. About Love. About grace.

What do we call a space like that?

Picture taken from Loft. It's not furnished, or pictured.

A room that is to be an oasis in the deserts of our everyday. A place where we drink from the Living Water, and come away refreshed and renewed.

It is our En-Gedi.

So it is. So it shall be called.

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Barn Renovation - {Part 3}

So, we had sold our business. The inventory in the barn slowly disappeared and the haymow emptied as the new office was bolstered and filled with a level floor, a stairway, a loft. 

Sometimes we start things that seem like a good idea and then along the way, 

circumstances change and we wonder – what was THAT all about? 

How’d we get HERE? 

But we knew our history of business and adventures and we were convinced that somehow, God still had a purpose for this project and we hadn’t just started this thing on our own. And along the way, our lives are remodeled too. He's been bolstering our supports, tearing out the rotten boards, preparing our life structure for what is to come.

As we go about the busy bits of life and work, we feel we are in a waiting period, a not-quite-settled-in time of learning to be empty of ourselves and full of trust and praise and worship. He has brought us this far, and we are waiting for his purpose to be revealed.

Are you waiting too? What are you doing while you wait?

Barn Renovation: Before
Barn Renovation : Part 2

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Barn Renovation - June/July (Part 2)

As we looked at the structure and available space and thought about our options, we began to get excited. Envisioning a heated office/man-cave with access to all our business inventory in the barn, we contacted our landlady, discussed what we hoped to accomplish, and she was all for it. We love her family, they tolerate us kindly, *cheesy grin* so it's a great arrangement for everyone!

We have a good relationship; I have the ladies out for tea, Christmas visits, and photo shoots in the woods. They are welcome anytime. I love to hear the stories of the girls growing up together in this house, and all the history of the farm. And they love to share! We have a mutual love of these acres, and they are satisfied to see kids enjoying the farm. 

So, with their blessing, we began.

First the interior wall board was removed, along with the ancient insulation, wiring, drop ceiling and plumbing. The windows were removed, and the last thing to come out was the beast of a milk bulk tank. Much thought was given to the process of removing it, as it had to be lifted a few feet off the floor and slid on runners out the window. Without denting it. Because who wants a dented milk tank? All that shiny-ness marred? No thank you. Forget that it now sits in a storage building. It must not be harmed!

The bulk milk tank is removed.Without so much as a scratch. Thank goodness.

Of course, a renovation is never completed without the unexpected appearing. In our case it was a sporadically rotten support structure. Worse in some places than others, many of the boards needed replacing. We reused boards as we were able.

We also intended to reuse the siding, but as it was pulled off, much of it splintered or crumbled. New siding was in our future. But that was OK. It gave Robb the perfect opportunity to discuss the merits or lack thereof to pre-painting siding.

Larger windows were framed and purchased,  an interior wall was removed, and the project moved right along, notwithstanding a mosquito plague.  

 New support walls to replace rotten boards.

Things were looking up, and then we sold our business...

Barn : Before (Part 1)

This Season

 

 The wind rustles the dead stalks as they bang against each other. The clatter is quiet, yet the air fills with the sound. Though the earth is wet from rain, they are dead. Their season is past. They defy the life of the water.

They give their life for the harvest.

The leaves too, give a last shout, in denial of what is to come, a red and orange and yellow party as they fade to brown. They served a purpose and the shade they gave is gone. Their death has come too, leaving a skeleton. Rain, the cleansing tears, breaks the last  thread clinging to what was or what they planned to be, stripping all away to the ground.

A certain kind of death comes to us all.

Seasons come.
They should.
They will.
It's good.

But sometimes it feels we are just a skeleton left standing bare for all to see our nakedness and life is a messy pile at our feet.

Then the snow comes, the horizon is shimmering, blinding whiteness, against our black thin form. What we are is revealed against His glory, and there is a broken beauty in the barrenness.

And if we don't let go of what was, or still focus our gaze on what is right now,  we will never see the vision of what is to come.

 One stubborn bloom on dead wood in autumn

Spring will come. Rain will bring life once again. The wind will blow promises. And the autumn and winter of soul will be but a memory.

Take heart friends.

This is only a season.

Sharing today for Bigger Picture Moments and Imperfect Prose.

The Real Church

A people meets

and stands side by side

a family

lifting up broken hearts

in praise.

Songs and voices and hands are lifted

and tears flow down

as grace washes

clean.


There is no judgment in this family.

We know each other

well enough

to know we are not alone in our brokeness.

And that itself is a healing.

When broken but made whole

reach out to the still open wounded

there is no doubt God is Alive.

He moves within.

He moves without.

His forgiveness

enables ours.

And we are free.

Free from the ugly

that could have been.

Free to stay family.


A people meets

and stands side by side,

a family,

lifting up broken hearts

in praise.

Songs and voices and hands are lifted

and tears flow down

as wave after wave

song after song

line after line

hug after hug

of grace

washes clean.

Dedicated to my church. Where people are real. Where God is Real. And where God is real to His people.

And sharing after the fact (forgive this once?) with Tuesday's Unwrapped. 

Unwrapping a moment in church where her tears brought mine. Because I remember.  But I forgive too.

Lessons from the Garden

The beans are picked and tossed in the ice cold sink water. They are warm, in need of refreshment, and a bath. Dirt and garden grime cling to their fuzzy skin, end blossoms and the stuff of the outdoors stuck on the thick green strings. In their growing, they have picked up and carry the the burdens of life, the earth bits.

I dump them in their bath, and swish with my hands, agitating. And I think of how it takes agitation to get them clean. Agitation loosens the clinging ons, the dirt and the stuff that stuck that was no good.


In my growing up, I've got some cling-ons too. Attitudes, habits, ideas from lies I allowed in my heart and mind that stuck there. I never meant them to, but that's the thing about lies. Our enemy is a good liar. His whispers mix truth and deception with expertise.

We recognize the bitty truth and accept the whole thing as right.

False beliefs hindering growth and spiritual fruit will cling stubbornly until we allow the agitation of Truth to rub and push and challenge the earth bits. The hard hearted are softened when Truth washes clean and His shed blood rinses away.

Scripture, the God-breathed Word, Truth Himself, confronts the deception, shines glorious light on a dirty soul. It's not pleasant at first, but the unpleasantness is not His doing, love is. Love that will not allow us to settle for less than best. Not only for His benefit, but for mine.

The earth stuff is comfortable and sometimes we cling to each other, but I want more than just comfort.

I want to be agitated and washed. 

I want to be a usable harvest.


Join us today as we share our Bigger Picture Moments, hosted this week at Peanut Butter in my Hair

Late Night Thoughts

I'm up late. Probably from my first Pepsi in a month. Or maybe it was the mocha. Either way, I lay in bed, my mind a muddle of the day, and worry of things like my children going to bed without brushing their teeth, and what kind of mother am I, and my brain downloading. A friend said once her mind is like a computer at night. Each window needs to be closed, each file saved before shutting down. So here I am, jotting down some thoughts to be saved.

I visited my favorite coffee shop today. My little sister's friend took my order with her ever present big smile and I almost forgot to pay. She told me she wanted to be like me when she has a family and a house and all that. Crafty and homemaker-y and creative. Growing things and making things.

My mind immediately began arguing with her and listing all the reasons why she should not adopt me as her ideal. She has no idea how I guilt myself for every little failure. I try to give myself credit for the rights and not dwell on the wrongs, but sometimes they are just there, staring me in the face. My currently messy house. My kids parked in front of the TV. The buckets of produce yet to be canned. My weedy garden. All my good intentions that just never quite get done.

But instead of arguing, I smiled and said thank you. I want to be more gracious instead of self deprecating. Accepting a compliment takes a strange sort of humility, I think. Then I added that I hoped I could live up to her esteem.

There are so many things I desire to do well. Sewing. Friendships. Gardening. Women's Bible Study. Homeschooling. Writing and blogging.  Parenting. Church. Photography. Maintaining an organized home. Dating my husband. Healthy eating. Frugal living. The list goes on and on.

I strive to maintain an abundance of interests, and fall short. I must remind myself that I can't serve two masters, let alone three or four or five.

I can serve One. 

Priorities become more straightforward, my mind less scattered, when all is done for One.

When my heart's motivation and devotion is singular, I can plunge my fingers into many things, while still serving only One.

All things can be done as unto Him.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"

Colossians 3:23-24

Do you have a Bigger Picture Moment to share? Join us each week as we endeavor to open our heart lenses for the Bigger Picture.

Here we are Again

Worry. It makes knots out of stomachs and causes breath to come fast. It pushes every other part of life aside and makes murky the mind. It eats away rational thought and grows ugly and frightened.

Maybe that's why worry is not OK with God. I would even venture to call it sin. The Bible does say, "Do not worry." So why don't we listen? Jesus reminds me, "My peace I give you" and "perfect love casts out fear" and "fear not, for I am with you."

Peace and worry cannot co-exist in the same conscience. They oppose each other and reveal where my heart rests. Does it seek peace in self-reliance, in figuring it all out, or does it rest in the promises of Christ?

If I worry, I reject His peace.

To cast aside all worry, though, seems foolish and irresponsible. My flesh and all common sense scream, Yes, I should worry about my kids, and about my bills and about my health. Aren't we supposed to plan, make goals, and stick to our word? Shouldn't we strive to have our lives in order, structured, with no great surprises?

Isn't our God a God of order?

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Yes, He is a God or order, and he does have a plan. He just doesn't always let me see it from beginning to end.  Sometimes he ends a chapter and won't let me read the next.  I sit staring at a blank page. He asks me to make hard decisions and all I can do is trust He will honor my obedience.


Faith: being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. Hebrews 11:1

I am sure God has not changed. He was faithful. He is faithful. He will be faithful. I can't see ahead, but I look behind and see only His goodness and kindness, evident even in the midst of struggle.

When worry creeps in, it takes me 3.2 seconds to recognize that fear-knot and work it out with faith. I wasn't always that quick. Re-writing the circuits of a mind takes painful practice. And I've had a bit of that. And practicing faith increases faith.

A few years ago, our house was for sale, we planned to build a new one and then Robb resigned his job.  Our house sold quickly (for a crashing market) and we had no idea where we were going to live. The resignation itself was enough stress, and very public, but add to that imagining homeschooling with three kids in an apartment for a long MN winter? Enough to cause a certified breakdown.

The verse God brought to my mind was common enough. I'd heard it my whole life. But my need resurrected the words and I claimed them. I wrote the verse out, with scrolly flowers all around, and posted it on my fridge.


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Every time my heart began rapid panic beats, and my mind began the crazy cycle of fear and worry, I went to the fridge and read that verse. I read it and claimed each phrase.

"Do not be anxious." Lord, I choose not be anxious and fearful right now. I trust you. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I choose to believe you have my best in mind. You are a good God. This not knowing is not be pleasant right now, but even if I have to live in a tiny, icky apartment I choose to believe we'll be OK. "with thanksgiving" I thank you for this time of growth. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" I claim your peace and believe that your peace will come and be beyond explanation. I give my worry and fear to you and know that you will guard my heart and my mind from worry and anger and fear. Lord, you are enough.

Over and over, throughout the day, I beat a path to that posted verse.

"Do not be anxious  about anything (deep, slow breath), but in everything, by prayer and petition, (breath in) with thanksgiving,  present your requests to God. (breath out) And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, (breath in) will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."(breath out)


As the page turned, God chose to spare us from the reality I feared. We never ended up in a teeny tiny apartment. We found this lovely farm to rent, our dream place, really, and we've been here ever since. I learned that when we give up what we think we want and surrender those dreams, and fears as well, to Him, He just might surprise us with something better. I guess he knows our hearts and our dreams better than we ourselves do. And that is why I trust Him.

Again, we are in a similar place, facing unknowns. We sold the web venues of our business on Wednesday. The question follows, "What are you going to do?"

That's a good question.

And I know what to do with it.

Today, I do not trust in shady business deals, in the promises of company reps, or in a stocked warehouse. I do not hope in eBay sales or high ratings.

I do not worry about things I cannot control. Because I know who controls all things.
I am confident my Lord will provide.With purpose and prayer I place my hope in Him.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.-Phil 4:9 


Worry flees. And Peace dwells within.

Choosing today to see the Bigger Picture that God knows when I don't.