Morning Light

Morning light. I miss having coffee here every morning with my best friend. Today marks one year since he came home from a Christian men’s retreat where he asked a question and got the answer he’d been waiting to hear. Some brand new friends told him him it would be worth it, so he came home and told me our marriage was over. 

Of course it’s not as simple as that, and the journey was long to that point, but after all we’d worked through, it still came out of nowhere. We had hopes and dreams together that we had worked toward for 20 years. I thought we had enough love and friendship and commitment that we would be “together forever.” Today marks the day we began unraveling our cord of three strands. 

One year is long and it is short. I don’t wish to go back and I’m glad I never have to relive a summer of keeping secrets in my own house, weeping in the shower, in the bed still next to him or fearing the impending exit of my life partner.  

Technically all wasn’t final for 7 months but he was gone in 3. 

I’ve learned a lot this year. 

Divorce is stupid. 

But I learned I’m strong enough to endure and thrive through my biggest fears. My faith stands because my God is faithful. 

I cannot take credit for the joy that endures.  It comes natural to my personality type. I am a relentless optimist and stubborn in hope. The Word has not only been planted in me to save me (James 1), but has taken root so that my views of the world and my God and myself are not swayed by pain or discomfort or the unfairness of life. 

It’s been a year. And though we don’t share coffee daily, and there were weeks and months of tense communication, we’ve settled into a new normal of acceptance. We talked last night for an hour about my house projects and our kids. I’m getting my house painted and his work history includes painting and managing a paint store so I ran the bids by him and got his advice. He was helpful and I was happy to have his help. 

We may be divorced and our lives disconnected in a growing number of ways, but I suppose it is true in some sense that we will always be linked “together forever”. Divorce does not erase history or memories and our kids are the tie that keep us connected. 

The next step in my house painting project includes choosing a paint color. I lay the color fan out on the coffee table in the light and think about what a fresh coat of color will do to my home. The home I am making my own day by day and repair project by project. I take care of myself while I take care of my home. 

The light changes as the sun rises, my mocha mug is empty, and a new day has begun.