I re-read my last post. It's ironic really. Because here I sit, the first day of the rest of my life. Without Robb.
Yesterday I posted this to Facebook:
Today Robb began his move to Arizona by himself. Our marriage is over. I know this news will shock many. I understand this doesn’t make sense at all unless I trust you with our story.
(Vulnerable post and trigger warning. I share this with permission from Robb and our kids. I have carefully considered what I have written below for three months, but if you tend to be offended by oversharing, consider scrolling past now.)
I married my gay best friend 21 years ago. We wouldn’t have said so back then, filled with the idealism and innocence of mutual virginity, but looking back, that is one way to say what happened. Gay is not a perfect label, with its cultural expectations and definitions, and sexuality is so much more nuanced than any textbook scale. We have wrestled with what it means and what it doesn’t and how it applies to our situation. It’s not a perfect descriptor, but at present it’s a label most easily understood.
Our Biblical narrative influenced our perceptions and interpretations of the chemistry of our marriage. No marriage is perfect but we felt like we were doing a pretty dang good job at it. If you thought, like our own kids, that we were #relationshipgoals, that is not untrue. We ARE happy together. We have inside jokes, family traditions, shared beliefs, favorite recipes and 22 years of history and memories.
Our story is just that. Our story. Highs and lows and kids and houses and jobs and faith and ministry. Best friends. Both twins. Probably codependent, but each happily so. Even amidst the challenges of life, our love grew deeper each year.
The first ten years we were too busy and distracted with businesses and children and church that we hardly noticed the hidden battle. The second ten began with infidelity and hiding. The last five have been an all out battle with sex addiction, sexual sobriety, honesty about same sex attraction and seeking answers. With sobriety, forgiveness, healing and recovery came confidence that Robb could enter a graduate program, become a counselor and reach others with his new found freedom. But sexual addiction was just one piece of this recovery puzzle and graduate school was no joke. We are tired. We are tired of hiding.
Even with this painful part of our history, this isn’t how I expected our story to continue. I believed God was going to do something different. But this is my reality and I have no reason to be ashamed of it, nor do I wish to hide it.
The foundation of our relationship has been deep friendship, and though I am heartbroken to lose my life partner, our friendship remains. I desire to divorce well, to grieve well and to adjust to a new way of being a family.
God has prepared and equipped me to provide for myself. I’m thankful to have wonderful support. There will be a season of grief and loneliness, but God is faithful and unchanging and will not abandon me. Even amidst many tears, I have great hope for the future.
Our family cherishes your prayers.
More to come.
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