Yin and yang

It's a gloomy Monday that matches my mood. Fall colors are teasing on the treetops, but the drizzle camouflages the promise of their coming show. 

My heart is heavy as the rain soaked deck cushions.

I push through the household chores and planning and bill paying. I opened my own bank account on Saturday morning, but it doesn't show up on my mobile account yet. It annoys me. I don't need access for anything pressing, but I'm impatient.

In ran out of Synthroid while waiting for my new medical card to come. I took my last one this morning and called the clinic to set up lab-work. They don't schedule past 4:45pm even though the clinic is open until 5:30. I work until 5pm and have no backup to leave early. They accommodate me, but I feel embarrassed that I'm going to need to show up late.

I've always appreciated being a part of a marital team. We'd settled into a nice routine of give and take, yin and yang, over the course of twenty years and I'm grieving the loss of it. I know I'm capable of taking care of all the things, but I've always looked forward to the relief of my husband's return, when we settle back into our normal patterns and I can breathe easier knowing I'm not alone.

The tears fall realizing there will be no return. No expected relief. The thunder rolls unexpectedly giving voice to my internal protest. It's not fair.

The sun will come out, because it always does. The trees will fully display their fall glory and someday my life will feel right again.

But for now, I give my tears their moment, I savor the rain and the gloom.

A friend texts a song.

Another checks in to see how my weekend was.

Yet another brings me coffee.

And then there's the acquaintance inquiring on the divorce class I attended last week. She's in the same storm.

I am given both support and opportunity to support. I give even as I receive. A new yin and yang.

The promise of a beautiful show of color after the rain passes.