Not Alone

Yesterday was my first official day alone as an adult. I mean Robb's been gone on trips and vacations and conferences, last year he was actually away for a total of 7 weeks, but of course this day felt different.

I woke up with a headache. Maybe it was the two glasses of wine with friends the night before or maybe the tension I've lived with for three months finally caught up to me. It had been a sleepless night. During this whole limbo season, I have actually slept fine, which was an amazing gift, but I suppose one should expect the first night after your husband leaves to be fitful at best.

I had considered taking the first day off when Robb decided this would be the day. But I've worked through many difficult emotional days over the last number of years, and I figured routine would be good for me.

I was right.

I did let Madison stay home from school. She deserved a day for self care if she thought that's what was needed.

It was just another normal day. Except it wasn't because everything had shifted. Between changing diapers and feeding many small mouths, and a visit to the park, I read and responded to messages. The words brought me so much life.

The doorknob broke during daycare pickup and one of the moms had to walk around to the front door. Seriously. On the first day, something had to break! lol Something always breaks when Robb is gone. His last trip, the car battery died. Except this isn't just a trip. Everything is on me now and I don't have backup.

But I'm not one who waits around for someone else to do something that I can figure out, so I went to the hardware and bought a $12 door knob. I did text my dad to see if he was available because it was pretty jammed, but quickly realized I'd probably have the thing unjammed and the new one installed quicker than he could drive the 1.3 miles to my house. Ha!

I did.

I took my ring to the jeweler today. I'm having the band separated from the engagement ring. I want to wear something, because I'm just not available. Wearing a sparkly band will be ambiguous, which is perfect for this healing season.

Sometimes I get a smidge of overwhelm at the thought of doing this life alone. Then I remind myself I'm a state licensed business owner (with all the paperwork that goes with it!) who takes care of 8 children under the age of 4 every single weekday. It takes a lot to overwhelm me!

And then my community shows up with flower and mocha deliveries and hugs and wine and chocolate. They sit with me and listen and cry. They remind me of who I am and who my God is and it is all so very good in the midst of the very hard. I feel so very loved.

I am not alone.